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[personal profile] princess_gecko
It’s been one of those ”stuff sinks in” days. Letting stuff catch up, letting stuff go, sitting back and admitting how I feel about my situation.

I want out of this apartment and this neighborhood. To basically anywhere else. I want a job to earn enough money to stay fed and housed. I want room and peace to work on my stories.
That’s it, really. That’s all I can trust the foresight department of my brain with right now. Should be plenty enough for a goal in life in the immediate future.

I’ve repeatedly made the same mistake of trying to do too many things at once and /or doing things in the wrong order. My stories are a good model for everything else: I have many great ideas that never go anywhere because I try to do them all at once. Was doing the same with ideas of what to spend my life on, and it causes a traffic jam in my head.

A not insignificant amount of this was due to other people’s hopes for me, and their wish that things go well in my life. It’s ironic how I can twist that to trip me up. Kind of like how I once made myself miserable trying to have a boyfriend so my parents would be happy for me. You know. That kind of mixup.

There’s so many things you could do in a lifetime; things you could be. Places and people you could see, stories you could tell, houses you could build. Kids you could have. Things you truly want to do, for your own sake as well as others’. You can’t do it all, though, because it takes more than the spark of the idea to make something reality. Some kind of selection has to happen.
When you can vividly picture how cool it would be IF you could do , it of course hurts more to drop it and leave it lying there. And I really thought I’d let go of the things that were too many. But just like with my fan fiction project, I was still hanging on to bits and pieces that were stopping the important bits and pieces from coming together.

A good design - and story - advice is: when you can’t figure out what needs to be added to complete the work, subtract something. Sometimes, you gotta subtract a lot of somethings.

A friend gave me her drawing pad a while back. She used to draw, but she doesn’t think she’ll pick it up again, and so she figured I had more use for it. That’s a pretty good thing to do when it’s just lying around, anyway. Not just with drawing pads.
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March 2014

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